I’ve often been troubled by the question — How do you know your sessions make a difference to your client? Is it when the client expresses they feel different? If they can cope with things in a better way? Do they have a more positive outlook than before, or perhaps not as harmful as it once was? Are they motivated enough in their lives and in their careers? Are they healthy in their relationships?

Sure, maybe they can tell you that’s how they feel, but how can you, without witnessing their personal and professional lives, know for sure?

Then I wondered if the ones I hear it from are merely saying it to appease me. Which makes me reflect — Would I do that with my own therapist? Perhaps. Sometimes, I have. To feel better about myself. To convince myself that the effort we’re making is leading to some discernible change. 

It begs the larger question — How does one measure efficacy in mental health?

It took me over 100 sessions to feel like I had begun to make progress in my own therapy. So, I constantly remind myself that my journey is mine and that my clients will embark on theirs. The thought that I’m merely just to be there, two steps behind, as my supervisor says, is often daunting. What if I see them going astray? How do I lead them back on track? 

I often need to remember that it’s not for me to do that. Not necessarily. Quite often, it’s to tell them what they probably know. Most of the ‘Aha’ moments come from putting the pieces together. My therapist showed me the bigger picture and helped me dig deeper to unearth some messy revelations.

So that’s what I try to focus on — trying to help them put their pieces together. Trying to reassemble the clutter, the mayhem, the chaos they come with.  Somewhere along the way, as we collaborate, I find more and more of myself. With them, I have discovered some hidden trails of my psyche that I didn’t even know existed, buried deep within. 

As I continue this journey, I have become more aware of what I bring into the sessions. And therefore, what to leave out of it. It’s a constant questioning that may persist for a long time. But I’m starting to make my peace with it. So, I know I’m doing all I can to be my most authentic self and bring that into every session. And I realise that that’s enough.